Letter to Terrell Owens

- Who says I can't write an article dealing with another sport every now 'n then? -

To Whom It May Concern,

I would've had the greeting as "Dear Terrell Owens", but, quite frankly, I don't know who the fuck possessed your body. Who knows, during that hold-out of yours, "super-agent" Drew Rosenhaus might've slipped something in your drink while you took it anal. All this ordeal has caused is the loss of respect, trust, and TV time. Then you pulled some dumb ass shit, and got kicked out of Eagles training camp. Guess what...


"You Fucked Up"

Your making millions of dollars to play football. You know your coach, Andy Reid? I'm sorry, but I'd massage his fat ass for 20 hours a day to make $1,000,000 a year. Damn, I'll even work weekends, and holidays.


If he supplies the oil, sign the check

Don't think this will just blow over, either. If you retire with Jerry Rice's numbers doubled, people will always look back and remember you for your character. Patrick Ewing led the Knicks to the Finals, but do we remember him for that? HELL NO WE DON'T. We remember him for moments such as these:





Terrell Owens, when will you ever learn?

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Eastern Conference: "Oh Shit, They're a Team"

..and quote. Pretend you're Larry Hughes for a moment. No, no, put the gun down. You don't have to play with Kwame Brown this year! According to his agent, Larry "Gilbert Arenas can kiss my ass" Hughes signed a 5-year contract with the Cavaliers, believed to be between $65-$70 million. Aight..I'ma weigh in on this...

1. Play with LeBron...or
2. Don't play with LeBron. I mean, why not stay in Washington, a team that only got past Chicago because Eddy had one too many Krispy Kremes?

Mmmm. Those Krispy Kremes, most delicious shit on the planet. It's like Vida Guerra topped with a crispy, glazed covering.

Since Michael Redd took it anal (resigning, team then shoots itself in the leg) in Milwaukee (later a bit rehabbed when Bobby Simmons agreed on a deal with Milwaukee), and with Ray Allen now being listed on NASDAQ, courtesy of Seattle, Larry Hughes was the last available option for what they were looking for on the free agent market. Now Cleveland is focusing on bringing back Zydrunas, and they'd love to sign Sarunas "prepare for my long-ass last name" Jasikevicius, who everyone says is the best international PG not ballin' in the NBA.

Sip Bacardi tonight LeBron, you now got defense.

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Let's Roleplay

Hi, my name's Chad Ford. You know me, the ESPN columnist who has no life, so I resort to writing 8 frickin' columns a day. Lately, I have brought up a rumor concerning the potential trade of Stephon Marbury for Samuel Dalembert. Not only am I a dumbass on David Stern/Bud Selig/Kenny Rogers levels, but I should also try to cut off my fingers (with a butter knife) to prevent innocent readers from being poisoned by this rain man gibberish. Not only is Isiah Thomas not that suicidal, but he wouldn't have even considered that trade in the highlight of his dumbass moves era. With the addition of a high scorer such as the likes of Quentin Richardson, the removal of a money-sucking FF (Fake Forward, a position created by the almighty basketball guru Truth Talka) AKA Kurt Thomas, and the guarantee that Spike Lee will be in the stadium nightly (scratch that last thought), even publishing that trade rumor makes me want to bitch slap myself. With my pimp hand. Wait, I don't have one, so I'll have to ask Dennis Rodman for his.

Hi, my name's Ray Allen. I have reached a verbal agreement to re-sign with the Seattle Supersonics. A videotape from LeBron and interest from the upcoming Atlanta Hawks couldn't stop me from deciding on a 5-year, $80 million contract with an extra $5 million in performance bonuses. Money prevented my 24 ppg from travelling to Cleveland, Atlanta looks as unstable as Bobby & Whitney, and there's no way I'm going to even wait on Milwaukee. Now I just have to hope Rashard Lewis, Nick Collison, and Luke Ridnour decide to pull another Mike Tyson and emerge once again as difference makers in the beginning, while leaving the finishing touch to the other side. Or in this case, me; Ray Allen, the $85 million man.

My name's Eddy Curry, and I want to lose weight. Following last year's dissapointment season, where I was forced to sit in late March due to a heart condition, my trainers have urged me to lose weight. After some deep thought, and viewing a computer-generated image of Shaq in 20 years, I decided it wasn't that bad of an idea. This past week, my trainer and I worked out on a private court to see if I still had that career-best 16 ppg from last year in me. Tyson Chandler wasn't available, so our team's towel boy served as a temporary opponent for me. Good news is, it seems I will be able to return AND make an impact. Bad news is, the towel boy's family is suing for damages.

Hi, my name's Ray Allen. I just returned to say one thing: I'm rich, bitch.

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David Stern's a Bitch, Inaugural Post

Fuck David Stern.

Oh, by the way, welcome to Truth Talka-actual basketball "commentary", not the ish you see coming outta Bill friggin' Walton's mouth.

I hate Mr. Stern. When I address him as "Mr.", I assume he somehow passed the physical he had to take to get the commish job as a male human. You'd think there would've been a "penis-under-review" moment there, considering all of his actions are what you'd call "puss". "Oh no, Michael has too much power. Somethings gotta be done!" So what's he do? Gambling allegations. What a puss. Fast forward about 10 years, we're at a glory age. LeBron James is taking off from concession stands, record numbers of people are coming to see games, and (as far as we know) Kobe hasn't touched a white girl in months. And yet...Mr. Stern finds somethin' to bitch about.

"Oh..they're too young."

David muthafuckin' Stern! Shut ya ass up! 'Cause of the Phenom, you're ass is gettin' enough cash to keep that dialysis machine runnin, aight?

"But it's hurting the league." (Said in old ass voice-that kinda voice that makes you sign a pact to kill yaself before you turn 60)

How? The only thing that's gonna come out of this is the A-bomb. Yall know what I'm talkin about. ASTERISKS. Years from now, people are gonna realize that the record books don't mean nuthin', 'cause all these ballas comin to hoop in the NBA didn't have the chance to enter at 18, meaning they didn't have the same amount of time to make an impact on the records, compared to players like Kobe, KG, etc.

Luckily, the NBA avoided pulling an NHL, yet set themselves up for an MLB.

To put it into perspective, I recently got an e-mail from a young reader, named Billy. Take a look at it: Amazing.

Wow..I think..that just about, umm, sums it up. Look for a new post within the next two days. Shocking image...

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